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The Longest Weekend - Narrative, Confession, Introspection - The Life and Thoughts of Zach — LiveJournal

Oct. 16th, 2003

03:19 am - The Longest Weekend - Narrative, Confession, Introspection

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Date:October 16th, 2003 02:27 pm (UTC)

hear, hear.

that's how it's spelt. :)

sounds like a weekend full of reflection. black 47 is very cool; the first time i heard them i laughed and laughed at rap + bagpipes. beard of solitude -- very amusing. as far as being an outsider or not, i'm not sure, since i have never met you, nor any of these people. but that's not going to stop me from putting in my 2¢ anyway.

have you tried asking any of these people if they think of you as an outsider? you might find out some interesting things if you do. it seems like you envy the closeness they all have and you don't have with them, but it's not clear from your post if you ever invite closeness from them. (though, having a girl be warned off you does raise some interesting questions about why you may or may not.)

i spent a few years (okay, more than a few, nearly 15) years working out at the renaissance pleasure faire (RPFS) in southern ca. it took me years before i realized i had been hanging out with the 'cool' and 'in' group for a while. i was cool and popular and didn't even know it. how's that for outsider status? ;)
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[User Picture]
Date:October 16th, 2003 03:03 pm (UTC)

Re: hear, hear.

Well by all accounts the "warning off" really had everything to do with us being friends and drunk and that all being a bad idea. She (the kisser not the warner)and I have since talked about it and we agreed that neither of us was really expecting it to go anywhere anyway because we both knew it would be a bad idea and we were just digging the kissing.

I have no idea what these folks think about the fact that I dated (under quite tumultuous and soap operatic circumstances) and then (a year later) broke up with one of the insiders.

And really, the core group in question is all women anyway. Obviously, I'll never be an insider in such a circle of friends. Also, like I said I've seen these folks as a group only once in the last 3 years and before that not since high school. They get together annually but I think I lost the chance to be part of that a while back. I really don't mourn this, I just notice and comment on it.

I am envious of that form of friendship, not of that particular circle of friends. I've had that form of friendship with groups of people before, just not for a while since everyone has moved away. It doesn't have so much to do with me being unable to form close friendship circles or be part of them, it is that all my circles have gone away.

Most of the people I spend time with locally are so deep into the activist scene that it is hard to find time to just chill with them (all our "just chilling" events are just that...planned "events").

It is strange to wonder when/how I'll ever find a close knit "family" of friends in the same way it is strange to wonder how I'll ever find a partner. These are both things that used to be trivial parts of my life. Of course, I also used to live in social pressure cookers (residential high school, college) and now I'm in a bigger world of lower social density. Or else there's the really busy folks who are poised to leave town as soon as possible.

It struck me that a few times Pam said to me that she was so glad I was able to make it, like it was kind of a surprise that I had. She mentioned having sent invites out to everyone she could think of, like I wouldn't normally have gotten one if not for the extra effort. All of which is fair...like I said, I haven't been in touch with these folks and they haven't been in touch with me...drift happens.

As far as the Chicago people go, I know that I am part of their "family". I offer them closeness, they offer me closeness, I know that if it ever made sense they'd cry on my shoulder and I could always on theirs. It's just that I don't live a block away from them.

I think this is really just a stage of life to pass through. It is a lonely stage of life, but it's all part of growing up. It'll all work out.
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