February 4th, 2004

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Meme from domystic

I love how domystic posted this but didn't answer the questions! Silly. This looks fun because it's so damned random (it's like a cogsci experiment!) and an excuse to be personal and confessional rather than trivial like many question memes. Let's see how it goes.

The Twenty of 20:
The 20 of Twenty

1. I wore red...when I was a little kid and thought it was my favorite color because people kept asking me what my favorite color was and I just chose red because I'd heard it was my dad's favorite color and I needed an answer to give.
2. I took myself dancing...last night at the Canopy Club. I always dance alone. Last night some hippie chicks were flirting with me because of my silly dancing but I was awkward and they were drunk and then I scurried off.
3. I learned that when I'm upset...I need to go running for a LONG time before I do anything else.
4. I lived on my own...never. I've always had roomates or housemates.
5. Sex was amazing...when I was having it.
6. I thought I wanted an official...grownup job but I'm sick of that.
7. I used a fake...answer to this question because I'm seriously blanking on what significant fakery I've ever participated in.
8. I dated more than...one person at a time and it was weird and fucked up.
9. My fashion walked the edge of...existing. I generally consider myself to be entirely divorced from the concept of fashion but from time to time I catch myself thinking about how I'm going to dress for something.
10. I had an opportunity with someone...to do something crazy. And we did.
11. Turns out I like "people" more than...pretty much anything. For instance, computers.
12. Some friends took...me away from boredom and depression to a party. Many times. That's what some friends are for.
13. I wanted to belong. I belonged. Then...everyone moved to other cities.
14. I realized how contrived...people's sense of social justice can be when in sixth grade I organized a 50 strong Ozone Awareness Kids group and they were all with me until I told them they had to give up McDonalds and Hairspray.
15. I learned the rules of...many fabulous strategy games in high school in Gamer's Club. Games have much more interesting and important rules than real life.
16. I watched...all of Buffy Season 1 in a 2 day period.
17. I cut drama out of...my life by learning to walk away from the folks who were cause it.
18. I was understood...only when I talked slowly about the simplest of matters when I was in Vienna.
19. I got into all sorts of...fun in Chicago just by going there and picking up a newspaper and picking something to do.
20. I am more than capable of...finishing memes even if at the end I have the sinking feeling that my answers were wholy uninteresting and mundane when I should have put more effort into giving them creative unity.
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Note to everybody.

I just realized that I failed to read an important personal email that someone sent to me. I get so much damned email and filter it so poorly that apparently I skimmed right past the message in question, not even counsciously aware that it existed.

This freaks me out. I know how confusing and strange it is when I send an email and get no reply. I'd hate to think I'm contributing to that confusion.

If any of ya'll have sent me a personal email and I've blown you off, PLEASE let me know. And please accept my apologies and assurance that I'm not snubbing you.
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I just realized how remarkable it is that as far as I can recall: no one has ever done physical violence to me. I've never been in a fight. I've never been hit, pushed down, punched, kicked, or slapped in anger.

I've also never had a really bad accident. I've never had a broken bone. I've never had stitches. I've been to the hospital twice for accidents but both times it turned out nothing requiring medical treatment was wrong.

I wonder how this (lack of) experience has shaped my outlook on life and my fellow human. Some people say I'm more trusting or more forgiving than average. Is this because for all the random bullshit betrayals of trust or other interpersonal strife I've had, no one has ever really endangered me in a palpable memorable directly experienced way. Others point out that I am more risk averse than average. Is this because having never dealt with emotionally traumatic physical trauma, I don't have a model for coping with and overcoming it? Does it make me weaker that I've never had to face my physical weakness and integrate it into my view of myself? Does it make me stronger or overconfident that I've never had my physical weakness really demonstrated to me? How many of my personality traits, positive and negative, are tied to this (lack of) experience with physical violence or trauma?

I'm never clear where the line between forgiveness and avoidance is (this paragraph is not about physical violence, I'm not suggesting a non-avoidant strategy would involve physical violence, there was just a segue about the link between physical conflict and emotional rage in my head that made sense here). I've reached a point where I've basically washed the slate in my brain even for the 2 or 3 people that I'd years ago declared would and could never be forgiven for their betrayal of my friends (I forgive transgressions against me MUCH more readily than against my friends). This is largely because I've just hit a breaking point where I see no gain in maintaining the rage, it's non-productive and only hurts me. I realize the non-productiveness of it when I'm confronted with people I'm mad at and I realize that I have no desire to bitch them out. I make friendly with them and go away. I step around the conflict. I avoid them. If my rage isn't righteous enough to express then why have it? Is that forgiveness or avoidance? Is it a virtue if I'm avoidant? Have I lived the charmed life free of physical violence because I am avoidant? Is that really wrong?

Now of course I'm not always avoidant. If I'm able to express my feelings rationally and reasonably to a person who is willing to work out the conflict...then no big deal, that's the more common case which is why I'm only talking about 2 to 3 people above. This is what recently happened with a classmate. There was conflict, we dealt with it, no hard feelings.